The Supposed to List

Something happens when you figure out what you’re really made of? What you really want and what you’re willing to do to have it? More importantly what you’re not willing to do. The proverbial line in the sand has moved more times than I can count throughout the years. I remember when it was, I will not get married... I will not have kids... I will have a corporate career...more frequent flyer first class miles than I could possibly need...possibly a slight addiction to shopping and a salary that could fund my girl version of a playboy bachelor life. ...That was 10 years ago. Nowhere on the list of things that I ever thought that I would do or be was mom, wife, believer or many of the things I am now.

I had a conversation with my husband the other day about my list of supposed to’s. I was supposed to be a lawyer, doctor, or an executive by now. I should have been working on the next advanced degree. My name was supposed to be published in some publication that catered to the market and career path that I would chose. I was supposed to have made my father proud by following in my family’s very successful footsteps. I have accomplished none of my supposed to list. I’ve come close to many of them, but not the way I was expected to, my name was to be followed by letters, my degree was supposed to read my maiden last name, my dad was supposed to have real bragging rights by now.

It’s hard to be honest and say that I know that I am happier and more fulfulled in my current life than I would have been with the corporate day dream, that in many ways I still feel like I’ve failed my father. I can’t pretend there aren’t times when I think about the "would have, could have, should have" list and have regret. But I’ve also learned that the most valuable thing is the sense of awareness and peace that comes with doing what you were made for versus just what you are good at. Honestly I would have been a great lawyer. I might have even been a pretty decent judge as my dad always hoped. What we never thought I’d be good at, mom, wife turned out to be the very things that helped me find who I really am in.

So what happens when we let go of what we think we’re supposed to be? What we’ve been told all our lives that we should be. When we stop measuring our success by our supposed to list and we start measuring it by quality of life measures? Do we get the chance to enjoy a day? Do we earn the right to feel accomplished even though Dr. is not in our title? Can my dad still be proud of his daughter for finding happiness instead of the success he wanted for her? I wrestle with those questions often on this path. If I had followed his plan I would definitely have been financially more comfortable, but would I love more, live more, have more of myself to give?
As good a dad as I have, and I have one of the best, the one thing I wish I would have learned was the real value of happiness and permission to enjoy it even if you never check off anything on the list.