their collective strength...

As I watch the world around me change rapidly, not necessarily toward the positive, each morning brings a new sense of sorting out what is really important. I go back and read the things that I write, not to see how good I think that they sound and pat myself on the back, but to measure how far I’ve come, or more importantly how far I have left to go.

Today was no different. I went back and read, things I’d written on the blog and in my personal journals. I went back and looked at every and anything that I could get my hands on this morning, looking for some evidence that I as a person have grown versus regressed. I went back through conversations had with my friends and colleagues, changes in my relationships, everything. I wasn’t feeling like I had grown.

Three years ago at the end of a very expensive self-help filled weekend, I made a promise to myself. It was basically that I was going to take the opportunity everyday to find a reason to be thankful for that day, an opportunity to help someone, love someone or hug someone. And take the opportunity to allow someone to love me. I promised I was going to stop spending time waiting for things to fall, the shoe to drop or for things to head south.

This morning that was tested…
To say that I’m tired is an understatement. Suffice it to say, I am pregnant. 7 months pregnant to be exact and now intimately understanding how different my body feels carrying an extra 30 pounds. I felt myself shutting down this morning. Moving from vibrant to necessary functions only in a matter of minutes. I found myself emotionally more vulnerable and resenting it. I found myself experiencing all the things that all the moms around me told me I’d feel and I didn’t believe them. I should have!

In this highly emotional state I had the nerve to attempt to do some more self-evaluation. Not the best of ideas! But what I did discover in a very honest moment of sitting in the dark of my bathroom, that I have become acutely aware of how much I need the people in my life. I don’t like being reliant on other people, nor am I a big fan of the kind of inter-connectivity that my life has moved into. But I wouldn’t have a clue how to enjoy this life without the people that are in it. Because it is those people who have called me out on my promise and challenge me to be better, be more. It is their strength that keeps me going keeps me grounded and keeps me dreaming.

I discovered that there is a possibility of life that does not include a plan B and that that may not be a bad thing. I discovered that loneliness is self-imposed and all the times that I haven’t felt connected were because I disconnected. I discovered that the best way to get more was to give more, starting with yourself, being careful to know the difference between giving into, giving up and giving away your best self and not being fed in return. I discovered that keeping the promise to myself was easier when I was willing to keep it because of or in spite of myself.

So, in this pursuit of having it all, I have found that my strength is my circle. I once heard that each of us is the sum total of the 5 people closest to us. So after the self-analysis this morning, I broke out a pen and paper and rated all of those people on a 1-5 scale. I kind of like my average.

Crisis officially averted…